Oprah Power and I - Latest Comments

Re: How To Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day

Asset Tracing — Wed, 11 May 2011 00:19:42 -0000

This may be a funny article or an insult to others but I think, I should be glad. Should be glad in such a way that you'd learned how to overcome it.

Re: 3 Must Haves for Successful Childcare Experience

Coupons Canada — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 10:36:44 -0000

I agree with the comment below.

Re: How To Honor Your Emotional Boundaries and Break Up With Grace and Dignity

Lanwa91602 — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 03:38:34 -0000

What a great letter! You must honor your truth. I believe that we teach others how to treat us, and you are so correct-that if we are unhappy the onus is on us to do something about that, not wait for Walt Disney to come and "fairytale" our relationship into a dream...way to live live honorably honey-welldone!!!

Re: The Two Sides of Children of Divorce

Lanwa91602 — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 03:28:57 -0000

I'm a child of divorce and now facing my own. I never wanted to be married, but after 5 years with my man(who never asked for anything but that) I thought compromsie is what partners do-each one gives something for the other. We've been together 22 years, have an 8 year old child, and he stopped having sex with me as soon as she was born. I 've had to beg him for affection the entire relationship , and instead decided to leave him last year.I have been loyal,depressed and extremely lonely. It's affected my self esteem deeply.And to top it off my kid's model of marriage is now this screwed up sexless mother/father sibling marriage and unhealthy as hell.My parents had a volatile relationship, and I was relieved when they finally split. I don't trust marriage when only one partner works to keep it alive, not b/c my parents were not suited to each other. I hope to teach my child by example- try to honor your commitments, but don't tie yourself to a sinking ship if it simply is not working. i doubt I'll ever even have an intimate relationship again in my life, and I'm not even 50. This lousy marriage has made me want to end my life on more than one occasion, but I have a child to think about, and be an example for. Sometimes divorce is a life preserver, but it's up to the parties involved.

Re: 10 Things Not To Do When Getting Divorced

alienator — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 21:44:08 -0000

If you have an abusive ex who was also abusive to the kids, whether physically, emotionally, or both, you need to alienate him completely. You've damaged those kids enough by staying in the relationship as long as you have.

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

Jamie — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 16:35:19 -0000

It looks like this blog is inactive, but I still need to comment. I think you are fooling yourself on this one. Abusers don't change over night, and I know from reading some of your blog, that was an issue. I think it's better for kids to be in a home where it is truly happy, and where the mother is treated with respect, otherwise you are teaching your kids how they should be treated, just my opinion....Jamie

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

Cora — Sat, 22 May 2010 00:23:44 -0000

all I can say, that I regret the day I let my late ex husband and ex in-laws brainwash our children. I was weak. the anger and resentment I went trough. I made a choice not to see my children because my exes they were so powerful then and I don't want my children to grow up confuse, who is right and who is wrong. that was 20 yrs ago. now they are 25 and 24. we just reunited 3months ago. the best thing is they accepted me who I am and forgive me. now I thankful my ex husband, he passed away 2yrs ago he raised them good.

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

katy — Wed, 19 May 2010 04:17:46 -0000

I think in my case my children are better off.They barely knew their father because he was gone most of our marriage and their life because he was in the military.Plus my ex barely knew them.He actually doesn't even want them.He tried begging me back but without my kids!!!! So I dont think he even deserves to be a part of their life!!! Even though he doesn't deserve to be in their lives I still don't block any communication from him with trying to be a part of their lives.Which doesn't matter because he doesn't try at all anyway.

Re: 3 Must Haves for Successful Childcare Experience

Daycare In Bowmanville — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 14:38:38 -0000

Some very good points you have made. Many of these I have to remind parents in their daycare interview.

Re: 10 Things Not To Do When Getting Divorced

singlemom — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 01:48:33 -0000

Thanks for this info. I'm recently laid-off, and can't afford to move yet. Future ex, doesn't always pay rent,and emotionally/mentally abusive...I don't want to take our children to a shelter,but it may be coming to that. Future Ex, is horrible with $, so there's probably no alimony, or child support in the future, but I can't leave my kids with an irresponsible father and try to strike out on my own either....Any helpful advice would be so welcome.Kids adore Dad, and are under age 10.

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

supercarp — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 10:49:20 -0000

I think the reason men are more likely to marry sooner after divorce is because he had someone in mind in the first place. Even if he says she was not the reason for the split, he may be deluding everyone, even himself.

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

NURSE! — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 05:48:39 -0000

I have been through (2) divorces... the first divorce was after (5)years of marriage- ( I married at age 21) to get away from home since my grandmother said "good girls" don't live out in apartments; of course in her time- women stayed home until they married and husbands took care of them; if they worked the money was there own money...they were NOT the MAIN BREAD WINNER of the family. The man I married, nice good looking college graduate- but still immature and not ready to take on the ROLE of PROVIDER- he continued to stay unstable in employment- being fired from jobs. It was after I lost a baby that I woke up and found out that I was the one who was the MAIN PROVIDER and that I WOULD CONTINUE TO DO SO for a while... and also there were other issues, he and I both were unfaithful- I thought one wrong would make two rights and felt justified in my wrong actions... also I had some help from my grandmother (who by the way was controlling because she was alone) wanted me to stay with her. So I divorced and of course went back home to live with her. Meanwhile, I continued in a long distance relationship with what I call a (player) or older BOY 8 years older than myself... divorced and father of what he told me one daughter... smooth talker, good looking , worked as a mechanic for a major city about an hour and a half away from where I lived. I of course, traveled to see him and he traveled (whenever) he wanted to see me at his whim. I was open lonely and glad to have someone to love me... suckered in being very neeeedy!. .. shortly after this breakup- (when met up with a girl who came to his house early am who said she was pregnant by him... found out his lying and untruthfulness to me... (I was reaping my wrong from being with this man while I was married) so I was devastated and went into a minor depression... met back up with a good college friend who was a good listener and friend... became intimate with him got pregnant... he was ready to marry- since he was 32 had no children and had been praying for a wife... well I thought, he wants to marry and help take care of the child... it must be GOD's WILL- besides I want my son to have a good father... I knew he would be one. Well, 20 years later.... DIVORCED again... WHY? You say... this college graduate- Business Administration Management- was of course not working when we met (RED FLAG) but was kind and nice and I NEEDED someone (EMOTIONAL NEEDY) after the previous breakup and divorce... I didn't have time to heal or reflect on WHAT or WHY or HOW about either of the previous relationships... I just had to be in a RELATIONSHIP to feel WHOLE as a person and not ALONE or LONELY.... This man continued to play what I call the "SICK ROLE" great smooth operator, and a emotional controller... UNSTABLE EMPLOYMENT (remember when we met UNEMPLOYED) but HE was going to get a job-(I had reservations-about marriage-but agreed to work with him since I was pregnant) He never held a job long enough to go on vacation and get a paycheck upon return from vacation. He was a nice Christian man...professed belief in GOD but shirked his responsibilities as PROVIDER or BREAD WINNER for the family-meaning "I will work WHATEVER JOB NECESSARY to feed my family) I am a nurse-so there you go--I worked full-time and PRN to support the family! He used excuses not to work! So now... being legally divorced for a year and (emotionally divorced for over 5 years) physically separated from this man 16 months... I am in TOTAL PEACE- ( the PEACE that passes ALL UNDERSTANDING- except MY UNDERSTANDING) I am now focusing on MYSELF and REFLECTING on HOW, WHY, WHAT relating to the RELATIONSHIPS I get myself into and the REASONS I get into the relationships... which has from my experience NOT the RIGHT ones! I am now seeking GOD and HIS PLANS for my life... If there is to be some other person in my life on a up close and intimate level... I want just "fall in love" I will take my time and "walk into love" and remain on my feet emotionally....

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

Consolata Querme — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 10:50:30 -0000

I'm glad this was reaffirming for you!

Re: 5 Myths about Divorce Revealed

jillkolaines — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:54:41 -0000

I wish my ex husband could have read this and reconsidered before divorcing me. He thinks our daughter is better off.Boy, is he wrong! Thanks for confirming my stance on the subject.

Re: Change is Constant

Consolata Querme — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 19:30:33 -0000

Thank you Susan. That's why we share our stories with each other - to empower and give each other strength. Carpe Diem!

Re: Change is Constant

Susan henson — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 15:04:39 -0000

Wow you are an amazing woman!! I am 41 and am recently divorced also thinking about going back to college. What an inspiration you are to me as I try to get the nerve up to do this. Thanks and I will be printing this to read everyday for strength.
Susan

Re: 10 Things Not To Do When Getting Divorced

Russ — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:32:19 -0000

Well this is all new to me. I appreciate the insight. My wife filed and i was served papers. Trying now to resolve and reconcile but she says she done. We are to be Christians and 23 years over because she is tired of struggling finances. How does a divorce help in this matter but make it worse on the 2 of you financially? She says her decision is made and she is sticking to it. I just found out that in the state of Arizona all you need to say is you want a divorce and its granted that easy. whether the other party wants it or not. Even if all avenues of reconciliation have not been tried or exhausted. Many questions I have and don't knpow where to start. I would like to go out as inexpensive as possible but there is things that need to be contested. I have 12 days left to contest. Can anyone help with Godly sound counsel?

Re: How To Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day

Nan — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 19:56:44 -0000

Very nice piece. Just what I needed as I face my first Valentine's day after my divorce.

Re: 3 Easy Ways to Resolve Your Anger

Stefanie — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:18:39 -0000

Very good article to read. I praise God that you have found ways to keep your anger in check. Thanks for the tips - I will apply it to my own life!

Re: How To Honor Your Emotional Boundaries and Break Up With Grace and Dignity

ladyiq — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 16:51:28 -0000

You go girl!! Takes a great deal of courage to recognize when something just isnt working for you and to let it go without blame. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes: "Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame."
Erica Jong

Re: Letter To My Husband

Tammy — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:43:22 -0000

As a recently divorced mother of two beautiful boys, I can really relate to everything in your letter. I applaud you for your newly found strength and best of luck for the future!!

Re: Co-parenting

Jamie — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:56:34 -0000

God bless! When will we finally come to appreciate and understand that ultimately every child is coparented, by any and all of those connected to their lives who step up and show their love? We care for our babies best when we take *their* perspective and realize they are not just capable of, but thrive, when they are nestled in a relationship system that runs broad and deep. I've never heard this said better than you've said it. Thank you!

Re: Be A Failure-Here’s 3 Reasons Why

Consolata Querme — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 07:46:27 -0000

I appreciate your thoughtful comments. Let's keep the discussion going.

Re: Be A Failure-Here’s 3 Reasons Why

Jamie White — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:56:32 -0000

I can see most of your point here, but you go a little off when you try to argue "Failure is a desirable state of being. Failure is not a disappointment – Failure Is Success. "

Not quite. Failure is not an inherently "desirable" state of being. Trying to speak of it in generalities is silly. Do you think surgeons "desire" more of their patients to die so that they can learn from it, just to name one example? Of course not. And even with less than life-or-death circumstances, it eventually will get ridiculous and farcical to treat every single failure as a "challenge" - your use of the world is understandable and I at least can see the point you're attempting to make, but that very word conjures imagery of competition. And treating life like a constant competition - against the Joneses, against your own body, etc. - is something we as a society focus on and encourage far too much, to the point where it's hurting us.

Rather, the best approach, I find, is to force yourself NOT to be so self-absorbed that it HURTS when you fail... trust me, I know from experience that the smarter and more capable you think you are, and the bigger your ambitions, the harder you hurt when you fail.

To borrow (and significantly paraphrase) Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell's advice from their recent, excellently-researched book "The Narcissism Epidemic": it's when you focus so much on how great you are and how indomitable you are... that you risk the greatest pain when, like all human beings on this Earth, you eventually meet with circumstances you don't like and which are beyond your control . It's not a good idea to "love yourself"; rather, it's a fantastic idea to have COMPASSION for yourself. That is, don't hate yourself, obviously... but always allow yourself to be humble enough to recognize that things won't always go your way, and that you are not perfect... and that that is not only normal, it's part of the human experience.

We all have talents or skills or positive traits, yes, but we all have faults as well and can make mistakes, simply because we are human. It's not bad to make mistakes... it may be bad to make a particular mistake, but making mistakes is normal, and wallowing in the pain of that mistake's consequences pretty much never helps, anymore than denying the mistake happened. Neither extreme is healthy. You are right about that part, that ignoring or obsessing over rather than accepting a mistake or failure and moving on, is not healthy or helpful. But you leave out the part where being humble helps you recover from failure much better than trying to convince yourself you can do anything, eventually. Always remembering that you have limits (and that it's normal and ok to have limits) actually really helps.

So, while I would agree that we do overemphasize an avoidance of failure, and that the best lessons in life are often learned from failures, I would disagree that every failure should necessarily be treated as a "challenge"; rather, it should be treated as a natural part of life, which can and does happen to everyone. Sometimes there are ways in which failure does require extra effort to recover from and I agree that putting that effort out is generally worth it... but sometimes it's a failure that cannot be fixed, only healed from.

Side bonus: allowing one to think in more "mellow" patterns like this (a "que sera sera", forgive-and-forget type view) is great for your health (reducing blood pressure, inflammation, etc), and makes you a more pleasant person to be around, which in turn will eventually bring you a happier life again, as people open doors for you, or failing that, provide much-needed support. Too often our culture teaches us to be entitled, detail-obsessed successoholics... when it turns out we're happier and healthier without any of those traits bouncing around in our heads. Especially when we fail.

Re: Letter To My Husband

debimiles — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:38:35 -0000

What a well written letter. You are a very talented communicator. But then you always have been very intelligent. Best of luck in your new life.